madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5/14/02 If you�ve checked out the weight chart lately, you�ll notice that I�ve made a declaration that my next weigh in won�t be until June 17th. Don�t laugh, but the plan is to stay off of the scale until that date. (I said don�t laugh!!!) As you know, this will be a real challenge for me....because I�m completely and hopelessly addicted to that thing. The longest I�ve been without weighing myself has been a period of 9 days, while visiting my folks over Christmas. (Ironically I lost 6 pounds during that time... hmmm.) So this is a big goal for me, and one I�d like to actually achieve. As I write this, a little saying that Bill Phillips wrote in his BFL book is repeating itself in the back of my mind.... �Honor thy self Promises�. So I need to do that with regards to this weighing myself thing, and actually do what I say I�m going to do - STAY OFF IT! I picked this day, June 17th, because I plan on walking the American Heart Walk 10K on June 15th, and this would be my first opportunity to update my site after my walk. I�ve never walked 6.2 miles before...my longest walk being 5 miles in the Bridge Pedal last year. The last mile of that walk just about killed me then, but I�m convinced that being 20 pounds lighter will be a great help. Plus, I need a challenge right now, something to focus on, (if even only for a month) and a short-term goal to reach. Speaking of challenges, I think I found the key to break my plateau....only I�m totally not excited about it at all. In fact, I�m totally dreading it. I know, I know, this is NOT the right attitude to have. But let me explain. This morning I got the bright idea to ride my bike to work. The skies were clear, the air was cool, but mostly I think I�d missed the last bus that would get me to work on time. (So you see, it wasn�t that altruistic!) Anyway, I donned my backpack, unlocked my bike, and headed for the open road. I only live 2 miles from work, so I didn�t think it would be much of a challenge. I WAS WRONG!! The first 3 blocks was a breeze, downhill most the way. But then I hit the bridge and my luck began to change. The sidewalk is tiny and huge trucks are wizzing by at 50 mph and I�m struggling to stay upright. Plus, the first half of the bridge is all uphill!? - Funny, I�ve never even noticed this when I�m driving in my car? Anyway, the exhaust fumes are billowing around me and the sound of non-stop rush hour traffic is drowning out my gasps for breath. Meanwhile, my legs are BURNING like nothing I�ve ever experienced before, my crotch is going numb, and my backpack suddenly feels like I�m carrying a bowling ball in it! By the time I reached the peak of the bridge and started towards the downhill part, I felt a little dizzy, sick and disoriented and sweat was pouring off of me! But the fun didn�t stop there. No - then it was like playing �Frogger�, crossing 6 lanes of traffic with no designated crosswalks and no stop signs for the cars. It was Russian Roulette on a bike and I almost kissed the ground when I reached work without getting killed. When I got to work, I was still breathing hard and covered in sweat. Even the middle of my back had sweat on it - something that doesn�t happen even when I�ve done 40 minutes of step aerobics!? I was a little disappointed to find it took me 20 minutes to ride those 2 miles!! (That�s a long time!!) Then it took a good 15 minutes for me to feel normal again, which also isn�t like me at all. I usually recover very quickly from any type of exercise - within a few minutes. So, needless to say, I think I�ve found the exercise that will break my plateau. Now I�m fighting with myself about it, because I�ve always said to myself I�m not going to do any exercise that I don�t find �fun�. And that was NOT �fun� at all. Granted, I�m sure there are other bike routes that would be more conducive and safe for riding, and perhaps I�d find them more �fun�. But more than the path itself, was the intense effort it took to move the bike with my weight on it! Holy shit! It was uncomfortable as all hell, and a few times I had to keep myself from stopping because my legs were burning so bad! No pain, no gain, huh? So, this next month I�m shifting my focus from losing weight (or NOT losing weight actually! ha ha) to organizing my exercise routine to include weightlifting (I�ve been putting that off long enough), training for my 10K walk, riding my bike at least once a week for at least 4 miles, and staying the hell off the scale. I�m not going to obsess about calories. I�m not going to obsess about food. For once, I�m going to take this month to eat at my basal metabolic level (around 2,000 a day I think) and I�m not going to starve myself. I�m not going to try to lose weight, but maintain my weight and hopefully gain some muscle and maybe if I�m lucky at the end of all of it, I will have learned something about what I�m capable of. I�m going to listen to my body. I know when I�ve eaten too much, or when I need veggies instead of that carmel corn, or when denying myself pizza is going to lead to a detrimental binge later on. This decision is based on a lot of things, but mostly its based on input I�ve gotten from many of you. You guys have been an amazing support system for me, and a wealth of information based on personal experience or book knowledge. Now I know I�m slow sometimes, at taking other people�s advice. In fact, its pretty clear that I need to be knocked over the head with it! But listen up: I finally get what you�re all saying!! The general consensus has been this: You�re burned out. Maintenance is good. Maintain for awhile and give your body and your mind a much needed and well deserved rest. Refocus on what you�ve accomplished so far and find an appreciation for that accomplishment. Set some other goals (not pound-related) and then do what it takes to reach them. Don�t starve yourself - its obviously not working anyway. Consider other weight-loss options. (i.e. Weight Watchers, cutting out wheat, alternative medicine therapies...) So I hear you, and I�m finally taking these things to heart, and I�m going to make them my focus for the next month and see what happens. Now - if I get on the scale on June 17th, and I�ve gained 5 pounds....I�m going to come and kick all of your asses!! Deal? Now, I must tell you a story about last night. I found myself in a discount clothing store after work, perusing the isles for something new, cute, and most importantly cheap. I�ve shopped here before, as much as hundred times in the past 5 years since they opened. They are one of the few discount stores that carry �extended� sizes. They say extended, but it was seldom that I�d find anything to fit me. Normally I would search the entire woman�s section and maybe find one or two things to try on - and it was a good day when I could find a single item to buy. So last night I�m going through the racks, doing the �arm� test on shirts (you know the one I�m talking about....where you stick your arms in and widen them as a measure of whether or not something will go over your ass) and checking out prices. I run across a cute pair of jeans....size 26. They look like they are generously cut so I throw them on my cart. Then it was capri pants, and a pair of workout shorts, and a breezy summer skirt, and 2 more pair of pants (one a size 24 - because, what the hell, right?). The next thing I know I look over at my pile and I really have a STACK of clothes to be tried on! For the first time in my LIFE I�m looking at �Limit items to 8 in dressing room� sign and counting how many I have! I don�t know if any of you have been fat enough to experience this. But its very typical for a 375 pound woman to walk into a fat lady store and be unable to fit into anything there. I mean, I outgrew Lane Bryant years and years ago... So for me to be able to walk into a store that DOESN�T specialize in larger sizes and be able to find 8 things to try on...well...you can imagine how that felt. So I start trying things on, and much to my surprise 2 pairs of the jeans don�t fit...they are too big! (a size 26 - too big!) Of course the 24's are a bit too snug, but they go up over my hips and would actually be passable in a pinch! WOW! I�m 4 for 4 in the either �fit perfectly� or the �too big� category, and I�m starting to get totally excited. This is turning into a game called, �Mouse is NOT big as a HOUSE�. (or something far more clever than that, but I can�t think of right now.) As I�m making my way through the stack, I notice a sticker from a piece of clothing has attached itself to the bench in the dressing room. It says, �Feels so good�. It made me laugh, because everytime I�d turn around after trying something on that fit, I saw the sticker. Then I�d think, �Ya man - it DOES feel so good!� maybe you had to be there. When I left the dressing room I was 4 out of 8 that fit perfectly (all sizes 2X, 3X, 26's), 3 pairs of pants that were too big! (all sizes 26's), and one size 24 that was passable had I been a hussy who would wear tight pants. I was so exhilarated by this, that I completely didn�t feel the need to actually buy anything. I simply walked out of the store feeling like a million bucks. I practically skipped to the bus...(if only I could) and thought about the experience on my way home. Trying on clothes was fun! Having an actual selection to choose from was a newfound pleasure, and I couldn�t wait to do it again. I was so happy. Then my eyes fell across my shoes. I was wearing my flip-flops. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I would�ve NEVER worn my flip flops when I had to walk from the bus. My feet and my ankles would�ve been killing me. In fact, when I was heavier, I always wore my shoes according to how much walking there would be. Now I never even gave it a second thought. Nope, I just trodded off to the bus in my ol� flip flops, never giving it even a single second of my attention. A man got on the crowded bus, looked around, and then sat down right next to me. RIGHT next to ME. There was even another open seat down the isle, but he choose to sit down right next to me. I felt the edge of the seat at my hip and relaxed...I was only taking up a single seat. I wasn�t even touching his leg or anything. I rang the bell for my stop and got out. I walked up the steep hill to my house in my flip flops, and didn�t even break a sweat. Yep...some things have actually changed. And like the sticker said, �It feels so good.� 2:13 p.m. - 5/14/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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