madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3/20/03 In therapy, one thing I'm working on is changing my perception of this journey. In writing a letter to a friend, I came to realize (in specific terms) the steps that I need to take in order to brush myself off and move forward. In the beginning, I was in a race. I was winning every single week and being rewarded for my hard work. I had pounds and pounds of payoff for my efforts. But when I hit my first plateau and I wasn't losing but ½ a pound a week, I felt like it wasn't worth it. This is something that I cannot change, and you’ve heard a million times to accept the things you cannot change, right? This weight is where I am now and this is my body and my metabolism and I'm not getting any younger! I have to change my perception of eating less. Instead of feeling deprived I need to listen to my body. Half the time I eat when I'm not even hungry! I've found that I spend so much time trying to "numb" myself with food, that I've lost the ability to recognize when I'm actually experiencing true hunger. So that's the first step for me. I've got to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry. That also means that I've got to find other ways to deal with stress, with feelings of loneliness, with loss, with boredom, with celebration, with anger and sadness, with pain. I know that other people use different tools (besides chocolate) to deal with their feelings, and that means that I can learn to do that too. Right? So that's my second step, learning to deal with my emotions in other ways besides food. That means I have to STOP myself when I'm heading for the fridge and re-direct my actions towards something positive. That means that celebration doesn’t always have to involve a feast or dinner out. That means that in the midst of heightened emotion, I have to try and somehow apply good judgment. Thirdly, I've got to move my body every day - and accept that any movement is better than none at all. My first year, I got into this headspace that told me if I didn't work out for at least an hour six days a week it wasn't good enough. So slowly, over the past 3 weeks or so, I've started to be kinder to myself. I still want to make exercise a habit for me, but now I include things like walking extra stops to the bus, stretching, and parking a mile away from the store as forms of exercise. I'm trying not to beat myself up if I have a very busy day and only have time for a 5-minute walk around the block. Forgiveness and compassion for myself - that is my third step. Finally, I must give myself time. I cannot expect mega huge changes in my weight every week anymore. As they say – the honeymoon is over. It will be a slow, gradual decline now, and I cannot give up or quit because I'm not getting these huge payoffs. Aside from emotional eating, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges for me…accepting the smaller losses and the occasional plateaus that are destined to occur. I look to Courtney and Robyn and Gretchen for examples of positive attitude and the rock-solid, cemented, roots in the ground perseverance that I’m going to need to see this through to the end…wherever the end may be. The first leg of my journey was this fantastical roller coaster ride with loops and turns leading to the up, up, up where the view was fine and the air was sweet and life was nothing but good. Then came the over the top and the down, down, down and the second leg of my journey left me exploring illness and depression and maintenance and stasis. Now I feel like I’m embarking on the third leg of this journey, one that is quieter, and one that might take longer and be more difficult in some ways than the first. But as I follow the path, I know that I am wiser for having gone through so much in the past two years. Now I know it is only up to me to learn from the past and apply those lessons to the future to uncover truths yet undiscovered. 2:52 p.m. - 3/20/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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