madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/7/03 For those of you who�ve been reading my journal since the beginning, you know I�ve always struggled with midnight eating. Over the past two years, its been an uphill battle for me. I�ve went for short periods of steering myself away from the kitchen at 3:00am, but then I�d eventually relapse back into packing away 300 or 400 calories during my midnight feasts. Some nights I couldn�t fall back asleep until I�d eaten something. Other nights I raced past the kitchen as if avoiding a lion that awaited, crouched in the darkness. My nutritionist told me that middle of the night eating comes from deprivation during the day. This makes sense, at least during the time that I was heavily dieting. But it doesn�t quite explain why I did it for the other 27 years� I remember eating in the middle of the night as a kid when my mother had put me on the Cambridge liquid diet. I woke up with my tummy rumbling, but I knew I shouldn�t eat anything or I�d be in trouble. Unfortunately, my stomach won over my best judgment and I very quietly, (quiet as a mouse), snuck into the kitchen. I took each step slowly, as not to creak the floorboards under the carpet. My mother was an unbelievably light sleeper, and about � of the way there I started shaking all over. I was afraid of being caught, but the craving for solid food drove me onward. I had to find something that wouldn�t be noticeable if it was consumed and bread immediately came to mind. Surely no one would notice if one slice was missing, right? So I took one, careful not to crinkle the cellophane wrapper too loudly, but also careful to reseal the bag exactly as it was. Butter and sugar were both on the buffet table so I spread the slice with butter and poured some sugar on it. I took my first delicious bite. My hands were shaking. About three bites into it, I heard a sound in the hallway. Turning my head, I saw the silhouette of my mother standing in the doorway. A lump of bread stuck in my throat like I rock. I knew I was in for it. She started screaming at me and lunged towards me � gripping my wrist and shaking the sugary bread until it fell apart in my hand. I began to cry, trying desperately to explain but there was nothing I could say that would take away her anger. I had failed her once again. She had sunk all this money into the Cambridge shakes and there I was, her fat little butterball of a child, sabotaging all of her efforts. This memory resurfaces occasionally to remind me. There would be many more times as a child and a teenager I would fail her. She�d find me going back for thirds at a family barbeque or sneaking food into my room and hiding it. There was more money spent on diets and even my most sincere attempts usually left me heavier than when I started. And the eating in the middle of the night has never totally stopped, even when it meant that I had to sacrifice losing a pound that week because of it. But its funny what pain will make a person do. I watch as my co-worker, who�s never met a hunk of cake she didn�t like, is suddenly going on Atkins. She�s having periodic episodes of excruciating back pain and was told that the only thing that would help is losing weight. It only took her about 3 or 4 times of this unbearable pain to change her mind about having that second helping of sausage. I think this is the same reason people tell secrets when their tortured�pain is just very convincing. I have my own form of pain helping me make some new decisions about eating in the middle of the night. My doc thinks I have GERD (stomach acid reflux disease) and not a stomach ulcer, although I won�t get an endoscopy until March which will confirm this. On top of taking medication, I�m very restricted as to what I can/cannot eat. My portions must be child-sized, or I get sick. I have eliminated chocolate, alcohol and coffee from my diet so I won�t get sick. Anything fatty (i.e. my beloved pizza, cheese, and hamburgers) makes me suffer with nausea, chills, vomiting, and exhaustion for hours on end. I�ve had to say goodbye to some good things too, like citrus fruits and tomato sauces and spicy foods. This in itself has been really hard for me. In addition, I cannot eat 3 hours before bedtime, or I risk having stomach acid crawl up my esophagus and wake me up sputtering and gasping for air between bitter breaths. Then my throat is raw and aching for days afterwards. This has happened on so many occasions that I finally gave in and quit eating in the middle of the night. My self-control has surprised even me. I�m finally getting up for my middle of the night bathroom break with only faint thoughts of eating. Even that has begun to subside. Imagine - pain has managed to do something that not even my mother could accomplish with 17 years of trying. This illness has really changed my whole perception of food. I�ve had to eliminate so many things from my diet that I�m finding little pleasure in eating now. And trust me, I usually can�t even identify with people who don�t find pleasure in food. So I feel like I�m walking on an alien planet all the time saying, �Where the hell am I?�. Its been different than just �dieting�, because the mind-set is different. When I was dieting, I felt like I every good choice I made was getting me closer to my goal. But now I feel like I�m being punished somehow for all the years I�ve overindulged in food. I feel like the Universe is �sticking it to me� for being such a glutton and now its payback time. I know thinking like this isn�t healthy for me. I started seeing a counselor after my failed attempt at taking Zoloft. She agrees with me that my outlook on this whole illness has been less than optimistic. (heh, heh) But we�re working on it. I would love to come to the place of acceptance about this and grow to appreciate these dietary limitations. After all, I am losing weight again. If you check out my chart, I�ve lost steadily for 3 months and its probably not going to stop anytime soon. And although I know I should be thankful, I feel like I�ve lost my best friend, my comfort, my entertainment. I feel like food has been my life-long companion and I�m having trouble really letting go�.again. 2:49 p.m. - 2/7/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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