madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/19/02 Something occurred to me, as I was out walking through the park the other day. I watched as children flocked to the playground like a herd of sheep, moving and turning with each other, running shoulder to shoulder. The daycare teachers followed, sauntering and chatting, but always keeping a watchful eye out for wolf in sheep�s clothing. The kids physically devoured the merry-go-round with their tiny bodies, and attacked the swings with gleeful enthusiasm. They screamed and giggled and laughed until they fell down and rolled in the grass and held their sides. As the spring sunshine fell across the backs of little kids dancing and playing and jumping rope, I began to think about their innocence, their life-energy. I began to think about mine. I tried to remember, when the word �recess� was no longer a part of my daily routine. Then I tried to remember why? Why don�t adults get a recess? Don�t we deserve a couple of 15 minute intervals to run outside and play and stretch in the sunshine and laugh until our sides hurt too? I guess they are called �coffee breaks� now, if we get them. Most of our employers don�t even know what a real coffee break is anymore. There�s a reason the word �coffee� is included in the title of the break! Hello!! It�s a descriptive adjective explaining the nature of the break in which the employee has time to actually go get a cup of coffee and drink it. Hell, I usually spend my breaks frantically making phone calls to schedule dental visits or doctor�s appointments, then I run to the bathroom if I have time. My 30-minute lunch I usually spend heating up my food, calling my hubby, and about two or three times a week I�ll take a brisk-strictly for exercise-walk, which is how I happened upon these little children. So, I passed through the park, making my way up to the turning around point where I always go, when it occurred to me. Why did my walks always have to be about exercise? I swear, I never just put on my shoes and check the sky for rain in an attempt to break free from the stifling recycled air of my office or the life-sucking flourescent lights!? I always walk with the intention of getting the most �bang for my buck� so to speak, always wondering how many calories I burned if I walked faster or longer or up more hills. I always withhold my lunch until after I�ve walked as a �reward� for my efforts. Why couldn�t my walk be the reward? Couldn�t it just be a pleasure stroll through a park with children, and along a house to admire a neighbor�s garden, or for the general purpose of coaxing cats to bend their silky fur to my outstretched hand? A friend of mine invited me for an easy hike through Forest Park which opens up to the entrance of the Japanese Gardens. This garden, influenced by Shinto, Buddhist, and Taoist philosophies, is one of the most authentic Japanese gardens outside of Japan. It�s a tranquil, peaceful place, where people go to ponder the mysteries of life. I watch as my friend takes her time to discover every nook & cranny - even though she�s been there 50 times before. �I always find something new�, she states matter-of-factly. She breathes deep and smells the air, pauses to ponder the tinkling of water from a bamboo fountain, and explores the landscape for all the differences. She takes a minute to stroll down to a little out of the way sitting place by the strolling pond garden, where she usually writes in her journal. I watch her careful contemplation of each new blossom, as if it will suddenly unfold a story of the summer to come. As I head for the gates to leave, she pauses, to take in one last moment of that peaceful serenity with her before we go. Meanwhile...I�m halfway out the exit chattering about something...only to turn around and find out I�m talking to myself. (Ha ha - dumb me) I wish I had that ability to sit and think and get all Zen about things. But the closest I can come to that is playing music I guess. I can sit through a symphony and relish every single note while my husband is cashed out beside me...trying not to doze off. I guess part of it is the differences in personality, in just being who we are and our interests being different. But part of it is because I�ve learned, over the past year, NOT to slow down! Slowing down means something negative to me. Slow down = Less calories burned = Less weight loss. At night, after work, I can hardly just sit and watch t.v. - I have to be doing something. Saturdays I�m a blur, going from morning to night running errands, cleaning, exercising - go - go - go!! Then after walking the Japanese garden and feeling a bit antsy to just �get through it�, I started to realize how ridiculous I am. Yes - its true - slowing down to a snail�s pace does have an affect on a person�s metabolism. But this doesn�t mean that I can�t take a walk just for the pleasure of the sunshine on my back and the fresh air, or that I can�t stroll through a breathtaking garden and pause at the beauty of a fiery pink blossom. Case in point. I�ve been struggling, fighting, kicking, screaming about not losing enough weight. I pull my calories back - nothing. I exercise more - nothing. I start being unable to sleep at night, unable to slow the thoughts down that whir through my head all day enough to doze off. Yet I�m totally exhausted. I start hating my life, my new private hell. Every hour is spent trying to figure out what I�m doing wrong - how can this be that I�m not losing more weight despite the numbers. I make myself crazy trying to figure it out. And then it happens. I step on the scale last Monday to find only a single pound gone after three weeks of killing myself to lose weight. I crack. I break. I say fuck it and I give myself 24 hours to eat whatever my little heart desires. I take two days off exercise. My weight goes up as high as 264.5 last week, but I decide I can�t freak out about it. I keep exercising each day, but I make a conscious decision to give myself a break. I ease back on the duration of my exercise. I increase my calories. I go out to dinner with my husband and have a good time. I eat that cranberry cornmeal scone I�ve been craving for two months with a cup of coffee on Sunday morning while leisurely reading the paper. I relax on the couch with a good movie on Monday night and simply vegetate....forgetting about the dirty dishes in the sink. I go for a walk with my hubby - just for something �fun� to do. I stroll through the park on my lunch break, listening to �The Horse Whisperer� on tape and feeling the sunshine at my back and the fresh air in my lungs, escaping the low hum of flourescents. Today I weigh 260 pounds, 4 � pounds less than last week at this time. I�ve eaten between 1800-2300 calories a day for the last 8 days. How could I lose weight consistently eating more? Obviously my body was starving. Now I wonder if this is how I lost 6 pounds while I was away on vacation - because I was actually eating more. The past few nights, I fall asleep about a minute after my head hits the pillow. I�ve exercised every day, but not to the point of exhaustion. I�ve laughed more in the past week than in the past month. I find time in the day to just relax, and not do anything at all. Eight glorious days of learning how to slow down again, how to take it easy, and I�m feeling more relaxed and happier than I�ve felt in a long time. It feels good to have some balance back in my life. On a totally un-related note: Want to see a funny website? My friend Sean takes original pictures and �doctor�s� them with photoshop for comical effect....check it out. http://www.scalpod.com/captainkrabby 1:54 p.m. - 2/19/02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||