madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2/11/03 Sometimes it�s the little things that remind me how far I�ve come. Ya, well, aside from the whole �wearing a smaller size� thing�that�s more of a monumental achievement. One of which, by the way, I�m still not completely sure I�ve actually achieved! I�m going lose another 5 pounds or so and try on some more clothes again, just to make sure. Anyway, this weekend while sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot, my eyes were drawn towards a woman and her child coming out of the store. The woman was pushing an empty cart, or rather, she was using the cart to hold herself up. She was super-sized, probably weighing at least 400+ pounds. She had her entire body from the waist up heaped over the basket of the cart using it like a walker on wheels. She looked miserable. And to make the whole scenario even more surreal, she was eating a hot dog with both her elbows propped up on the handlebar of the basket. People were staring. I was staring, I couldn�t help myself. Her little girl was a stick beside her; thin as thin could be. She walked with her arms stiffly by her side, her head down, and her eyes carefully studying each crack in the pavement on the long trip to the car. You could tell that she had adapted this posture to avoid making eye contact with any of those who were staring. I sat there, wishing my hubby would soon return from the store so we cold go. But there was no sign of him, and my morbid fascination with what could�ve been me, didn�t allow me to tear my eyes away from the woman. When she reached a safe distance from the driver�s side door, she took the last bite of her hot dog, removed her upper body from the shopping cart and motioned the daughter to take it away. She steadied herself by leaning against the side of the van for support. The little girl disappeared around the back of the vehicle. There was a struggle between the forces of gravity as the woman tried stepping up into the driver�s seat. Her legs trembled and her face reddened. After several tries, she gripped the steering wheel and sort of swung herself in. She rocked herself into position, and finally the door closed. I watched as she pulled out of the spot � no longer any different from any of the other drivers circling the lot. I was reading Courtney�s journals today (catching up on them, rather) and I was totally blown away by how far she�s come! Hitting the 150-pound mark must be indescribable. As I�m reading, I feel my face redden, my pulse quicken. I feel like I�m going to cry � not only because I was filled to the brim with pride and astonishment at her accomplishment, but because I was angry and saddened by my own shortcomings. Her attitude is so great, her willpower so strong. She is the picture of the self-actualized person I had hoped to become when I started my journey and sometimes I question whether or not I�ll actually get there. Then my memory flashed on the woman at Wal-Mart. I had totally forgotten about her. Her pain was so evident that it broke my heart. I could�ve so easily been her had I not made the changes in my life. I did work hard to get where I am, and I should be proud and thankful for everything I�ve accomplished. So I wrote Courtney and told her how awesome and amazing and inspiring she was to me, that she gave me hope. And then I went for a walk in the sunshiny February breeze and let it all go. It�ll come with time. 2:49 p.m. - 2/11/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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