madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Triumphs and Tribulations Happiness always seems to be a bit out of my grasp, no matter where I am. Mostly here - in Wyoming - I am faced with missing my friends, the city life, and feeling lonely. People here are judgmental and close-minded and it's a typical mid-western town with nothing to do but drink or drug or go to Wal-Mart. But, at the same time, I have to say that the crushing depression I was suffering with the last year and a half (or more) has finally lifted. This is good news, yes. I'm sure it has a lot to do with living close to my parents, who are a great support system. I am cooking for a living and finally in a job that is interesting and challenging and I finally feel like I'm doing what I love for a job. This is such an odd feeling...because while I was always "good" at my job, I never felt like it was my passion. Now I'm baking for a coffee shop, catering, and being a personal chef to a very wealthy rancher who loves Thai and Indian food. I feel like I'm doing what I came here to do - and that's the most important thing. Loneliness and the longing for the diversity and grunge of a city will just have to be dealt with. I have work to do. And speaking of work...I have not done a damn thing about my diet. Not a thing. I'm probably around 345 again. I'm not at my highest weight yet though - as I can tell from my older "before" pictures. But I'm pretty darn close. Silly me, I thought that being on my feet for 9 or 10 hours a day would help me lose weight and stay healthier. But the challenge comes with being faced with food all day long and having no time to fix myself something healthy. Try being on a diet and working in a bakery. It's tough. There are days when I do well, I watch myself. But there are other days when I totally give in to raw cookie dough and bites of this or that until I realize I'm completely stuffed at the end of the day and I can't even tell you what I ate. Or the worst part is cooking from 8:00am to 9:00pm at night and coming home starving. Taco Bell has come in handy way too often when I can't face the kitchen in my own house. So... with some triumphs come other tribulations. And that's where I am. I'm starting to believe that this is what life is all about...finding happiness in one thing only to find grief in something else. What I really hope for, is that I am just learning now. I am honing my craft. I am becoming a professional cook/baker/chef and I can take that knowledge with me wherever I go in the future...big city and beyond. Hope all is well in diet land. 3:00 p.m. - November 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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