madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- freedom I saw a friend of mine who had the duodenal switch (sp?) last November and � w0w- he is skinny! He�s lost 100 pounds and is hovering about 20 pounds from his goal weight. He said that he had some pretty hard times during the first six months, but he�s strong and healthy now. I think most of his troubles came from passing kidney stones on two separate occasions within months of his surgery. That can�t be fun. We sat down and had a meal together. (Chicken with artichokes in white wine sauce, garlic spinach and baked potatoes.) He eats normal, regular sized portions of real food. The only thing he cannot eat now excessively fatty foods or really spicy foods. They make him sick and best friends with the bathroom. He said that once, in a moment of weakness, he consumed 5 donuts and spent the next 8 hours in the bathroom in pain. It was the last time he ate donuts� When I asked him if he would recommend the surgery to others, he said he �would to the right person and with caution.� He reiterated was that surgery is only a tool � not a total fix. . He still battles with head-hunger, he still sometimes overeats and gets very sick. He still has to watch portion sizes and fat content and he can never again binge on ice cream or French fries without paying a painful price. He also said that he was stuck for 2 months at 200, and he actually had to �diet� down to get below it. He�s also had to start exercising in order to maintain his current weight, although it�s much easier and less painful now. Of everything we talked about, what stuck with me the most was his new feelings about food. He said that food is no longer a focus of his life. He eats because he is hungry. He sometimes eats socially, but it isn�t the �reason� for getting together with friends. He said he often skips meals but without realizing it. Sometimes a whole day will go by and he just �forgets� to eat! That�s something that skinny people do! I�ve always wondered how they can go a whole day without eating and not realize it? How can they not feel hunger in their belly? Most of the time I�ve spent with my friend after his surgery, I have not felt jealous. I�ve been happy to see him thinning out and finding peace and health. But that night, I was suddenly very envious, jealous and hurt. I�ve never found that freedom he is talking about. As long as I can remember food was the focus of my life. I remember sneaking and hiding food as a kid. After I was put on the Cambridge diet around the age of 9 or 10, I used to eat other kids leftovers at school to make up the difference. (somewhere in my journals there is a painful story about that but I can�t find it now) Trips to grandma�s house and the neighbors were seen as opportunities to get treats of cookies or candy. A family picnic was my favorite, because not only could I go back again and again without being noticed, the food was usually left out for a long time so I could eat for hours without scorn or ridicule. Well, not always. One time my mother caught me eating another helping at a family BBQ. She came up behind me, slapped the plate out of my hand in front of the entire family, and dragged me by my arm into the house. She screamed and yelled and slapped until I couldn�t stop sobbing. �Do you want to be as fat as grandma when you�re older, DO YOU!??� she screamed. �You said you were going to do better, you said you were going to at least TRY!! You�re such a liar!� I will never forget the look on her face as she left the room. She was disgusted. She was filled with rage and anger. I tried to tell her that I was going to do better, that I did want to be skinny like the other girls in fourth grade. But she wasn�t listening. I had my chance to prove myself, and I blew it. This wasn�t the first time. After she left, I examined my reddened arm and rubbed it to take out the sting. I stayed curled up in a ball behind the bed, weeping and embarrassed and feeling sorry for myself. How could I go out there now � in front of all the relatives after what they�d seen? How could I face them? I felt so ashamed. Then, my aunt Karen came in and sat on the bed. She held my hand. She comforted me. She said that I shouldn�t worry what my mom did, that I had no control over what happened. I remember her kind face telling me that it was going to be okay, that I was a beautiful girl and I would �grow out of it�. (i.e. my chubby-ness) I believed her. When I got a car as a teenager, one of my first thoughts was food. I remember the moment that I realized I could go through a drive-thru and order whatever I wanted without being scrutinized. Finally! So after scanning around for my mom or dad�s car, I would dart through the drive thru and quickly find an alley where I could safely consume my spoils. We lived in a really small town so naturally I was caught a few times. �I saw you going through Taco Bell today after school. What were you doing there?� my mom would say. I always shrugged it off, �Getting food for Tessa � she was starving. I had a coke.� I lied. She knew I was lying. It was the dreaded game we played together. From that point on, any money or allowance I earned was spent on fast food. College was another short chapter in my life of food. In this strange city, surrounded by skinny, judgmental college brats, the cafeteria became a safe-haven of comfort. Three times a day I was surrounded by a smorgasbord of rich, sinful food and nobody was standing behind me telling me not to eat it. Nobody discouraged me from piling my plate with biscuits & gravy, pancakes, bacon, sausage & waffles all in one sitting. Not one person batted an eye when I took pizza, stroganoff and a hamburger for the evening meal. And not a soul seemed to notice that I often stuffed my pockets with sweet rolls and butter for late night snacks in the dorm room. It was the first time in my life I had total control over how much I ate and what I ate. I gained 25 pounds my first year as a freshman. My second year of college, I moved out of the dorms and into my own apartment. My parents were no longer supporting me, and I was so broke my cupboards were bare except for Ramen noodles, spaghetti and government cheese and peanut butter. I met my husband shortly after school started. He took one look in my cupboards and bought me groceries from then on. He also treated me to dinner several times a week at Mei Ling�s, a Chinese restaurant a few blocks from my apartment. We were in love and the restaurant�s owner showered us with free food. �Chef�s special for the lovebirds� he�d chime and bring us a plate of crab puffs. It was very strange being with a person who not only didn�t discourage me from eating, but found sharing food with me to be a delight. That�s also the year I started smoking pot 7 or 8 times a day, which didn�t help me with my weight at all. Not only did the munchies give me a �reason� to pig out, but also the pot made me not care about gaining weight. I ate without any mental restriction on myself. In the next ten years, I gained 140 pounds. I never even tried to change or diet. I decided to just be happy for who I was � fat or thin. And I had finally found a way for my food addiction to become socially acceptable. I learned how to be a sophisticated domestic goddess instead of an unsavory fast-food/Dorito/Velveeta junkie. I fabricated my illusion using food snobbery and skilled food preparation as a guise for my simple need for indulgence. Turned out I had talent for cooking as well, which fueled the deceptive fire. Over the years I simply became a foodie and a baker and I know my way around any kitchen like the back of my hand. I became the living encyclopedia of techniques and flavor combinations and recipes and ingredients. I became a food �expert� by my own right. I found a way to make it �fashionable�. But, surprisingly, this did not bring about freedom. I try to wrap my mind around what this friend is saying that he is free from his food perversion forever. He no longer thinks about lunch while he�s eating breakfast. As he�s relating this to me, I understand for the first time what it is that I truly want. I realize that I don�t care about being thin. The only thing I really want is this elusive freedom that my friend speaks of. I�m not sure how to find that. Because even when I was losing weight and exercising, I still harbored a deep obsession with food. My diet and lifestyle change simply became the opposite side of the same coin. I became fixated on the foods I couldn�t have, the scale, the hunger, the calories. Just for once I want to know what it feels like to be completely and totally, truly, 100% free. What a feeling that must be. 2:46 p.m. - September 17, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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