madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 25th, 2001 Hey, sorry for screwing up my dates on my posts last week - hopefully you still read them and got the picture.... Well today is another Monday, which means another weigh-in. I know I should be pleased. Two pounds is great and I should be thankful considering I consumed dessert and this Velveeta con queso dip like they were going out of style on Saturday night. Okay, realistically, I had about three tablespoons of that dip scooped up w/raw carrots, and 2 cups of this angel food cake & berries & cream dessert. I thought I did very well otherwise. I had grilled salmon and grilled vegi's. I steered clear of the mayo-based salads and indulged in two small squares of cheese w/ two crackers. I ate green salad, watermelon, and a fresh fruit salad with my meal. I had 1/3 of a pita with about 2 tbsp of spinach hummus. The thing is this, I stayed completely within my calories every single day last week, except Saturday. I exercised 7 out of 7 days last week, including adding water aerobics, and a mid-afternoon 30 minute walk to my regular program. I really thought today was going to be 3 lbs loss! I felt SURE of it! So, I'm a little disappointed, just because I worked so hard last week. I didn't even watch t.v. after work either, but instead found reasons to move every single night. Humph....okay I'll quit whining now. I know I'm being a ridiculous petty little baby. Its just that I'm sooooo close to see 299lbs. I desperately want to be in the 200's again. Its been so long, and its one of the really big goals I've set for myself. This is one of the reasons I've been pushing myself so hard lately. Anyway, on the bright side of things, I got a totally unsolicited compliment from two of my close friends. When they arrived Saturday night, I was outside setting up tables and preparing the grill. I walked up the stairs and into the kitchen to greet them. They both turned around and started blurting out compliments! "Look at you, you look great!" "You're melting away before our very eyes!". "Wow!" "Your hair looks beautiful tonight." they said, enthusiastically. It felt wonderful - being showered with genuine compliments about my appearance, my weight loss. My cheeks went red and I didn't know what to say. I was trying to think of something I could say to counteract the compliments like, "Yes, but I have so far to go!" or "Thanks, but my stomach is still huge." I've never been very good at accepting compliments, but these I felt I had actually earned. There was a short, awkward moment, when I struggled to say thank you, and I finally got it out. Afterward I wondered why I always feel that I have to offset the compliments I get from others? Why? I do it to my husband, to my friends and family, my co-workers. Why do I feel embarrassed by a compliment? Why do I feel the need to neutralize it with something negative? I do it when I get compliments about my cooking & baking, my musical talents or my artwork too. I point out the flaws as if to say, "I'm not perfect!! I'm not special. I'm normal just like you." It makes no sense. You know, this journal makes me look at myself, deeply. It brings things to light that usually remain in the depths of my subconscious mind. You know that little voice in your head that you have internal conversations with? Well it seems that keeping it internal allows me to rationalize things. Because when I write them out, say in this journal, I often realize for the first time that they are utterly ridiculous. Like the fact that I was so mad when I weighed in today, I literally stomped my way out of the doctor's office. The friendly nurse asked me how I did and I replied, "Not great." Please, tell me, how fucked up is that? I LOST TWO POUNDS!! But it wasn't until I started writing about it that I realized how petty and stupid I was being. All the way home from weighing in I felt totally pissed and disappointed. So, today I'd like to thank you - my readers. For giving me a reason to look at myself. For lending an ear when I need to speak. For all the e-mails that give me strength. For signing my guest book to let me know what you think. For every person that has taken the time to share their stories with me. Thank you for allowing me to share mine. This is truly been a humbling experience so far. June 26th, 2001 LISTS I often take the time to read back over my old food diaries. It reads a bit rough, with bits and bites of calories scratched in whatever pen or pencil I could find at the time. There are intermittent scribbles of exasperation, like the word "Kicked my butt - Arrrggg!" next to the words: 2-mile walk aerobics today. And then there is the occasional 3-page entry about something that pissed me off, or something I was struggling with. Its mostly the struggles I write about. Because unlike someone I know, struggles have been an ongoing part of my process! If only we could all change our view of food the way Fred has....I certainly haven't given up on the prospect that it still could happen for me. But its damn doubtful considering the pleasure I still derive from preparing, serving, and eating food. Anyway, I came across two lists today, written on March 9th, almost 4 months ago. At this point I had lost 31lbs. The first one is entitled, Things I'm Tired of 1. Tiring of new foods I must repeatedly eat 2. I miss cinnamon rolls, pie, cake, cookies, bread & butter, nachos, bacon, eggs benedict 3. I miss Sunday morning breakfast at our favorite restaurant w/ our favorite waitress 4. Tired of cooking every single day instead of buzzing through fast food drive thru 5. Feel like I have so far to go!! Will I ever make it? 6. Want to see results with my own eyes, want my clothes NOT to fit! 7. Tired, tired, tired of counting calories, ug ug ug. 8. Miss my favorite restaurants like Hunan, Dots, Limelight Caf��, Pizzicato 9. Scared of failing this weight-loss journey & being fat forever!! On the second page, I find a list entitled "Things I'm thankful for".... (I must've felt bad about being so hateful in the first list, and tried to redeem myself) Things I'm thankful for 1. Food I can still enjoy like chicken, salmon, cheese, fruit, pizza on Fridays, Mexican 2. I'm 5ft 6 in instead of 5ft 2in - or my goal weight would be much lower! 3. My metabolism responds to exercise! 4. My supportive husband, parents, friends and co-workers. 5. I can do exercise without pain - which is an absolute miracle @ my weight. 6. Memoirs of a Geisha - a book on tape that has helped me get thru 3 weeks of walking! 7. Being able to reach myself better, wiping my butt & showering (u didn't want 2 know) 8. Seeing another person heavy as me & knowing I won't always be that uncomfortable 9. Going to a clothing store, not finding anything, but being satisfied that I will fit into everything very soon. 10. Getting a second glance from a guy 11. Seeing future possibilities become available to me as a result of being thinner, happier, healthier, and more self-confidant. 12. Recognizing my own power. These lists helped me to acknowledge that although some things are a struggle in the beginning, they become habit over time. I'm no longer totally stressed about not eating cinnamon rolls, or going to my favorite restaurant ever other night. I'm thankful to cook, because now I know what goes into my food and I'm able to eat fresher, healthier foods. I now have seen results with my own eyes, and some of my clothes are too big for me! Being thankful for every little change helped me get through the hard parts. This includes getting started, which I think is the biggest obstacle for most people. Luckily, the first month is when you lose the most weight too. Let that act as your motivator. On another note, yesterday was a total lax day. I basically took a day off. I ate pizza last night, I watched t.v. and lounged on the couch, and didn't do a lick of exercise. It was nice to take a break without feeling guilty. One thing that yesterday's entry helped me to come to terms with, is have to go easy sometimes. I know there is a fine line between being really strict/obsessive, and being careful & aware about my diet. But it hit me like a ton of bricks when I weighed in, losing two pounds, and was actually bummed about it. There's something wrong with that! I pushed myself too hard last week, to the point that I know is unhealthy for my head. Nobody should be pissed or bummed about ONLY losing two pounds. I don't want to be like that. Well, between aerobics, walking to & home from the bus, and walking outside this morning, I will have put in almost 4 miles today. I feel good about that. Now for tomorrow...:) 12:23 p.m. - June 25th, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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