madermouse's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/31/03 Don�t get the wrong idea, I just had to use this title for my journal because it is both true, and false. The binge really did go on yesterday, and last night. The things I scarfed down yesterday were; *REAL blue cheese dressing & bacon bits *Chocolate pudding w/maraschino cherries *Macaroni salad (yes, the kind slathered in mayo) *2 slices of pumpkin bread WITH BUTTER *3 chocolate chip cookies & 2% milk *a personal sized pepperoni & olive pizza *3 light beers on the back porch, shooting the breeze with my neighbors I had all this in addition to my regular breakfast of oatmeal, fruit, and my regular lunch of tuna fish & baked potato w/ broccoli, and about a pint of fresh blueberries. This morning I was up by two pounds - back to 297lbs!! Although I know I didn�t eat 6500 extra calories to warrant that two pounds, I�m certain I could�ve eaten 3,500 extra calories. I know, its pathetic, isn�t it! It all adds up so quickly... But this morning I woke up feeling like a million bucks (well, actually I woke up bloated, slightly hung-over from food & beer, and pretty tired). Suffice it to say I�m back to my new self today - and I feel good. I put a strong 4 mile walk-aerobics with weights workout behind me this morning and I�ve stayed on track all day so far. Thanks to those of you who took the time to send me an encouraging note....I don�t know what I�d do without you. Sometimes its those notes that keep me going from day to day. Thanks, guys! :) By the way - I totally screwed up Fatgrrlslim�s web address. (see above next to mighty mader mouse) After she scolded me, and DEMANDED that I change it immediately....I fixed it. (Just kidding girl!) Go to her site, as she is a very cool person and seems to be well on her way to her own weight loss success story! For those of you eagerly awaiting new photos of my fat, sassy self - the wait is almost over!! Tonight I have plans to scan the pics at my friend�s house (Thanks Lulu) which means they could be posted as early as tomorrow! I�m debating on whether or not to post my half-naked pics. Like a dork, I didn�t take pictures in the beginning with all of my clothes on. I don�t know what I was thinking. At the time I was looking at other people�s sites, and I noticed the comparison pictures with less clothes seemed to be more striking. But, now looking at the pictures I see fat, ugly rolls of blubber staring back at me. I ask myself, �Do I really want people to see this?� Its not my Internet buddies that I care about so much, I can deal with faceless, nameless people being totally shocked by a tubby half-naked lady. Its the idea of my friends and family seeing me in a most vulnerable position that really doesn�t float my boat. I mean, my friends have all seen me fat. They�ve watched me as I�ve went from 240lbs in college, to my all-time high weight of 375lbs. There�s no doubt that they�ve all noticed my rolls of tummy, my wide hips, and my ultra generous thighs. But I�ve always tried to conceal myself with big, baggy clothes. Clothes have been my facade, my disguiser. I don�t know if I can face them knowing what I look like under there.... you know? I think I�ll scan the pics anyway, and then decide tomorrow. I�ve been thinking a lot about my life lately. Not just my weight-loss life, but my life outside of losing weight. The amount of energy and focus it took to swing the pendulum towards health seemed to occupy most of my time and attention in the beginning. But that�s what it took to change my whole life around. I couldn�t be half-assed about it. But now, I�m moving into a more settled phase of my weight loss. (Ya, right, you say - you just binged your brains out for the last two days!) But what about the other aspects of Heather Mader? What about all the other things I�ve put on hold while I�ve focused my energy towards weight loss? Last night my hubby turned the t.v. to a Public Television Series on the Boston Pops. I listened to musicians talk about music and their instruments. I saw that look in their eyes as they nestled their flute, french horn, violin, oboe. Its was the same way a mother looks at her newborn child, sleeping in her arms - with love and adoration. And then they played - expressing themselves with valves and metal tubing, strings and mouthpieces, with drumsticks, agile fingers and air. Beautiful pieces of classical music crescendoing into amazing showcases of sound and energy enveloped me. My heart ached and twinged with the longing to join them. You see, I used to be a flautist. I started playing the flute in 5th grade and despised every minute of it. I used to forge my parent�s initials on my practice sheets a few minutes before band class. We lived in a tiny tiny town in Wyoming - and our �band� consisted of about 10 obnoxious children sitting in a small room pretending to play for the nut ball of a teacher. I�m not sure why I continued, I didn�t like the way I sounded, and I never thought I was any good at it - until late middle school. Then something happened to me. It was like everything the teacher had been saying about notes, time signatures, key signatures, phrasing - all of it - it just �clicked�. Suddenly I knew how to read music, and I knew what key songs were in. I could count rests and measures and it all made sense to me for the first time. I realized that I had been playing by ear for years, instead of reading the actual notes. That changed my entire outlook on the flute. I also realized that I was a quick learner with fast fingers and lungs that wouldn�t quit. I LOVED the flute! In high school we were all given auditions, and we sat according to skill level. This is known as �chairs�. My first audition I beat out all of my own class, and all of the seniors but one. I sat second chair to her until she graduated later that year. We had �live� competitions in front of the entire band, which was nerve-wracking. But I totally thrived on it! I became so competent with my flute that no one could beat me. Unfortunately, that meant that after a few years - no one even tried. I got my first taste of better players when I went to All-State music competition. My audition resulted in me sitting 4th chair, in a group of 14 flutes. Certainly not bad, but I had to admit I was a little disappointed. I had, after all, been the best in my school for 3 years running....it deflated my over-inflated ego a bit. And that was good. I went to college to study music. I had a full ride scholarship, including tuition and room & board, and my major was Music Education. I played or practiced the flute for 6 hours a day - and I was in total heaven. I didn�t, however, plan on leaving school my second year - but that�s just what happened. It�s a long story for another day. So I just kind of stopped playing music for awhile. I fell in love with my husband, and focused on moving to the big city. My flute became dusty and neglected for two years. Just when I thought I�d never play again, a group of friends that also moved to Portland decided to start a band. There were six of us, all very different and extremely spirited people. We had a bass player, two guitar players, a singer, a drummer, and my talented friend Lulu who can basically play any instrument she laid her hands on! It was great. Suddenly, I was there again - getting that euphoric state from playing music with others. A feeling that remains unmatched by any other experience in my life. I relished the moments we practiced together...eagerly awaiting the next session. But, it all came crashing to a halt when differences surfaced, and personal goals shifted away from the group. To this day I still feel a little lump in my throat when I think about the past and how much fun we had. I miss that. And so my flute sits, gathering dust. I�ll break it out occasionally. But its somehow forlorn all by itself. There just isn�t that same connection when I�m playing alone - there isn�t that same energy, that buzz. And as the years pass I get a little rustier on it. My tone isn�t that great anymore. My breath seems shallower now. When will I return to music? To a part of myself that is ingrained in me as my weight has always been? Losing weight has allowed me one thing, one belief over any other. That is this: All things are possible. Now I�ve just got to make it happen for me.
August 1st, 2001 ONE GIANT LEAP FOR WOMANKIND I first started reading weight loss journals on the web about 8 or 9 months ago. The reason, as most of you may already know, is because my aunt and my father were very concerned about my health. They wanted me to look into the gastric bypass surgery as an option for weight loss. I looked because I loved them, and because deep down I knew that something had to change in me. I knew I was getting sick. I knew that my depression and obesity were forming an inseparable bond that would close in around me and eventually smother me to death. As my size became more immense, my chances for losing 200+ pounds through diet and exercise seemed a daunting, impossible pipe dream. So I searched for anything and everything on the web regarding weight loss surgery....and boy did I find it! I�ve seen footage of the actual surgery with doctor�s comments on �entering the abdomen�. That scene alone is enough to make my skin crawl. I�ve read pages and pages of journal entries explaining the sickness that follows the surgery, the pain of the surgery, and the dysfunctional eating that continues for the rest of the patient�s life. Some may not think their eating is dysfunctional but I�ve heard patient�s write, �Today I had two chicken Mcnuggets, a bite of cheese, and a popsicle.� These statements are usually followed by, �I�ve lost 32 pounds this month alone!� I�ve seen photographs of surgical scars and hospital stays, where the patient is white as a ghost and holding onto the morphine button with a death grip. After the worst part is over, the testimonials begin....and the photographs. �I love my new life!� they say. �I�m dancing every Friday night for hours when I used to sit in front of the t.v.� they say. In pictures, I watch as the person literally melts before my very eyes. I�ve book marked these sites, and check back on the people who had surgery at the same time I began changing my lifestyle in late December. They�ve lost 120 pounds so far and feel great. They�ve gone down 5 sizes and are shopping in the �normal� clothes section... And, they didn�t have to get up at the crack of dawn everyday to exercise either! I know, I sound a little bitter. I�m not really though, because I know what I�m doing is better for my body in the long run. The reason I keep going back to their websites, is the pictures. Because despite the way those people chose to lose the weight, a picture is still worth a thousand words. The pictures keep me going. Seeing the truth with my own eyes somehow makes it more real for me. And long after I�ve read these people�s stories, read their journals from start to finish, I still go back again and again to marvel at the photos. I go for a reality check. And now its time for mine. 12:36 p.m. - 7/31/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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