madermouse's Diaryland Diary

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Epiphany

Dear Auntie, Imagine being me for a moment. Please realize that every day I undress and see my excessive size. In every detail of my life, in every movement, in every pinch of a chair, or puff of breath or stretch of clothing I feel my enormity. The weight of me is all-encompassing. I can�t crawl out of my skin to feel normal, to avoid the sideways glances of a passerby (much less the disappointed eyes of my parents), to make room for my girth at a restaurant booth or behind the wheel of a car. I can�t fake my anonymity when lumbering onto a city bus (taking up two seats) or accidently bumping into a thin person and bouncing them off the pavement with my ass. Consider having to lower yourself down to the seat of the nastiest public toilet because you can�t �crouch� over it and pee and your bladder is burning or being unable to squeeze into the largest size shirt (30/32) at the Fat Lady Store. Imagine dreaming that you are being smothered and then waking up to realize that its your own flesh that�s making you feel that way. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to wear your biggest failure around like an albatross for the whole world to take notice. Imagine being me for a moment. My name is Heather, and I�m 27 years old. I weighed 375 lbs when I wrote the above paragraph to my aunt in response to a �letter of concern� she sent me in October. I was furious at her for bringing up my weight and shoving it in my face as If I didn�t live and breathe it every second of the day. I hated that she felt it was okay to approach me. I hadn�t heard a peep from her in years, and suddenly I get this letter along with a tape of the Oprah show about gastrointestinal bypass surgery and how I should consider all my �options�. (Thank you Carnie Wilson, by the way, for making this surgery famous. If it wasn�t for you I would�ve never had to change my life). Besides, wasn�t one of my �options� to just ignore my problem? I�d been doing that for years, and it seemed to be working out just fine. So, mostly to humor my family, I started a food diary for one month. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn�t need to change anything and I really didn�t eat that much. So I tried not to alter my eating habits, although it was difficult when I had to write down EVERYTHING I ate. Also, hesitantly, I threw in a 5 minute huff & puff walking session on my lunch break for good measure. I went to the doctor and weighed in at the end of that month. I had gained 5 lbs! I couldn�t understand how this had happened? So I went back over the month in my food diary, randomly picked 3 days, and calculated the fat & calories for those days. Does the phrase �knock me over with a feather� mean anything to you? OMIGOD! I was literally astounded at the numbers. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I re-calculated. I couldn�t fathom the reality of it. I was taking in between 3500-4500 calories a day. But here is the kicker, the fat grams. On the average, I was consuming about 175-300g of fat a day! Its not hard to do. To give you an idea go to Taco Bell and order two of the Mucho Grande Nachos. Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of 164 fat grams and 2,640 calories! Now that you see how easy it is, throw in a morning breakfast scone & mocha, and an evening of pizza binging and you too can have a fabulous 375 lb figure! Only, I�m not kidding. Because this is how I ate all the time and sometimes I ate much more than this. It was at this moment that I found my pain and associated it with my weight. Because not even all the uncomfortable, embarrassing, and humiliating situations that occurred from my weight sparked me to change. Usually it just added more fuel to the depression fire. Which, in turn, gave me more of a reason to eat...and so it goes, the vicious cycle. But these were scientific impossible to dispute numbers! Hard and fast tangible figures that were staring me in the face begging to be rationalized somehow. My Virgo self was mortified, for I knew that there was no way to deny the authenticity of this horrible truth. This reality was mine to hold, mine to keep, now I lay me down to sleep - in a coffin. There is my pain finding me. Death might as well have pointed out a spot at the graveyard and pushed me in because that is how gruesomely obese I felt at this moment. Oh, and I felt afraid. My old visualization of my future came rearing its ugly head forth. I pictured Jerry Springer breaking down the side of my house to get me out so he could �help� me. I had watched a similar experience on his tv show again and again with morbid fascination until finally my husband begged me to turn it off. I couldn�t tear my eyes away from the folds and mounds of flesh topped off with a bloated little misshapen head of a person. �How could he let himself get that big?� I asked myself. A little voice answered, �The same way you�ve gotten to be 375 lbs�. I stamped out that little voice. I hated that little voice. But I thank the Gods for the epiphany! A friend calls it �finding his pain� but whatever you equate it with, its that moment when you know you�ll never go back. It�s the moment when you realize that you are never going to allow yourself the luxury of wallowing in that kind of pitiful self-destruction. It�s the moment when you realize you love yourself, and you don�t want to die. That was a little over four months ago. I weighed in this morning at 322 lbs - down 53 lbs since I started this journey. Which I think is pretty amazing! I�m rediscovering foods that I forgot I love like black beans, fruit, salmon and crisp-tender broccoli. The most important thing about this change is that I don�t deny myself any foods, but I do hold myself accountable for them. I try to steer clear of �trigger� foods that I know I have a hard time controlling my portions. I continue to keep a journal and count calories and fat. This has been the most useful tool for helping me to gain control over my eating and to make healthy choices. There are many days when I go over my calorie limit, or I�ll eat that donut, or that slice of pie. But now I don�t beat myself up over it nor do I feel that I�ve failed. Instead I write it down, add it up, and acknowledge that tomorrow is yet another day where I can make a healthier decision. Then I move on with my new life. Aside from the challenges of my new diet, I encountered the most resistance when I thought of exercising. I knew at 375 lbs it would be a challenge and scared to death of failing. So I started with something I knew I could do, a 5 minute walk during my lunch break In the beginning, I would sweat just walking around the block - even on a cold January afternoon! My ankle throbbed, my back ached and I gasped for air like a fish out of water. But each day I added another minute until I was up to 15. I decided to walk in the morning before work so I could take a shower afterwards. I knew that if I couldn�t wake up 15 minutes earlier to change my life then I was destined to be fat forever. So I did it, even though I�m not a morning person. I worked up to walking one mile when I found a wonderful walk-aerobics video tape that really changed my life. Its called �The Miracle Mile� by Leslie Sansone, and it features low-impact walking-style aerobics that even someone my size could do without pain. It was wonderful! Within 2 months I was spending 30-45 minutes every morning exercising. My back quit hurting and the swelling in my ankle subsided for the first time in a year! What amazed me is how quickly my strength and stamina increased. I found myself feeling more alive and happy than I had in a long time. I still have my moments, of course, because I�m human. This morning I lay in bed listing all the reasons why I shouldn�t exercise today, but I still got up and did it after much dragging of the feet. Two days ago I yielded to the deep-fried pleasure of not one, but two sugary cake doughnuts! I guess the important thing to remember is that this change is forever - not just today, or tomorrow, or this week. Every day is a new opportunity to make a difference in your life, and its your choice if you want to seize those opportunities or not. I spent the last 15 years emotionally beating myself up every day for being fat. By the end of last year, I felt I carried the weight of a thousand people on my shoulders and depression had its sharp grip on my spirit. I never thought I could change, and therefore I never could. But this time I knew in my heart its was going to happen. I was finally going to let myself do this. Although I can�t explain why, it was different from my other attempts at weight loss. Mostly, I believe, because of my attitude. I felt the power of life coursing through my veins and my head was clear and there was no stopping me. Each one of us deserves to live a happy, healthy life. Any sacrifices I�ve made on this journey pale in comparison to the rewards of my new existence. And you can make it happen for you, too. Imagine being me for a moment.

2:29 p.m. - July 9th, 2003

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